After I drank my detox tea and my innards violently heaved like a recovering alcoholic in a Christian rebirthing ceremony, three times in a row, I thought, "maybe it's the tea I'm drinking." I had to make sure I didn't throw away good tea. That stuff doesn't grow on trees. I think. I don't know, I'm an American. I'm too busy thinking about the big picture to study facts.

Claims on the box of Detox tea: revitalizing, cleansing, potent, increase the flow of energy to the body and mind, promote calmer, more positive and peaceful emotions, delicious.

WARNING: The above sentence is all ad copy for "exploding poops."

Revitalizing? Maybe, considering the jogging I did to the toilet.

Cleansing? Yes.

Potent? Cor blimey yes.

Increase energy to the body and mind? Again, the jogging.

Calmer? Well, I needed a nap after going to the bathroom.

More positive and peaceful emotions? After I pooped, I was grateful it was over and had newfound respect for daily regularity.

Delicious? Maybe, if you can't make up your mind between having a cup of green tea or chicken bouillon. Kind of like Zima is delicious only when you feel like drinking beer and Sprite at the same time.

Dave Barry is a pussy.

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