basilwhite

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Holy Crap! I made it onto a back cover!

This is the advance text for the next book that has my jokes in it.





Holy Crap!

Basil White

I used to think old people were lazy, 'cos they don't get out as much. Now I know the older you get, the easier it is to identify something as a waste of time.

"Hey, let's go to the dance club." Are they giving away free money? No. Am I gonna get laid? Not likely. Well, then. I'm gonna stay here and sell grandma's valuables on eBay. Then I can buy sex. They deliver now.

"Don't you wanna get out of the house?" No. Dance clubs are for extroverts to go have a good time so their roommates can watch pornography. It's all part of the delicate balance of nature.

BasilWhite.com WeirdStupidHardScary for today. Feel free to add your own.

I watch cartoons. They're the smartest shows on television. Why? Because old people don't watch them. Old people keep television stupid. 'Cos they write letters. "That swimsuit on Survivor was too revealing. Law and Order confuses me." Here's the trick. If a nurse in an old folks' home would set the tv to the channel you're watching, change the channel. You'll never see Bea Arthur or Geraldo Rivera again. You'll be better off.

Stick to the Holy Trinity: horror movies, Bugs Bunny and Ultimate Fighting Championship. They will help you survive. Say you're in the woods. Your friend leaves the campfire to pee. You hear a scream. What do you do? You get in your car and drive away. You wanna be the survivor at the end of the movie.

Or say you're in the Outback, pursued by a hungry Tasmanian Devil. What do you do? You go in the trading post, buy a dress, and a mop. Put on the dress. PUT IT ON. Put the mop on your head. And seduce the Tasmanian Devil with your feminine charms. When he lies down to take your poon, use the snake punch move from Ultimate Fighting Championship and sweep out his throat. Or keep watchin' Andy Griffith. Maybe Aunt Bee'll come over and distract him with hot apple pie. We're all prayin' for ya.

Feel free to add your own WeirdStupidHardScary.

BasilWhite.com