basilwhite

I taught my humor comprehension class today.

The sickest jokes came from the middle-aged wheelchair-bound woman who ate food out of a tube.

I drove home wondering why this experience was such a surprise to me.

The disabled people I know behave so much more politely than the average typically-abled person, that I assume disabled people can't act impolite on command. I don't associate politeness or impoliteness with a choice.

I'm crippled on the inside.

Love,

Basil White BasilWhite.com

BasilWhite.com - Standup Comedians: Intelligent, Broken People

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In a recent interview, the interviewer asked me about the relationship between intelligence and the ability to make people laugh. I've taken IQ tests that score me pretty darn high, and I feel like I barely have the intelligence to do standup comedy. Comedy takes more effort, pain and suffering than any other job I've ever had, physically, intellectually and emotionally. More physically hazardous working as a nightclub bouncer, more physically demanding than dishwasher, more degrading than sweeping floors or cleaning toilets. I love comedy, because it gives me the only creative endeavor I've found that neither feels easy nor impossible. Comedy never feels easy. Comedy never feels impossible.

I took a class on how to teach adults how to read, and my teacher explained a three-part model of learning: visual, auditory and kinesthetic (touching, moving, smelling and tasting). She said if you learn visually, formal education works because you can learn by reading and writing. If you learn auditorially, formal education can work for you because you can listen to the teacher or an audiobook or read aloud to yourself. If you learn kinesthetically, formal education screws you. Physically interacting with objects and smelling and tasting them and touching them doesn't get you through math class. I blame this failure to incorporate kinesthetic learning into formal education for the development of people who demonstrate genius with physical objects who can't read, like Robert De Niro's character "Stanley" in Stanley and Iris.

I meet a lotta comics who seem very kinesthetic in the way they experience the world, and even in the words they use on stage. They'll start with a visual or auditory verb and follow with all kinesthetic verbs. "I saw in the paper that X. So I grabbed my coat and drove down to City Hall and broke in on the Mayor's press conference, etc." (Index of visual/auditory/kinesthetic words at http://basilwhite.com/comedyworkshop/#sensory.) I also meet genius comics with Attention Deficit Disorder. I have ADD, and I credit my inability to maintain attention for my creative success. If you have ADD, life never bores you, and you have a lot to talk about, because as soon as something gets boring, you start paying attention to something else. I don't call it Attention Deficit Disorder. I call it Boredom Intolerance Disorder, and I try to make it work for me.

As always, tell me what you think.

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Basil White

Attention is taken, not requested.

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Went to Khris Baxter's Workshop-in-a-Day class at the Writer's Center, then saw my buddy Marc's band Zero Discipline play near my house. They're much better than they need to be to play where they were playing. They have great musicianship. Right now they're trading vocals among three people. If they had a single, charismatic leader, they'd be a great band.

Maybe my views are skewed from standup comedy performing, but so many rock musicians seem to want to sing lead and/or play lead, but don't/won't/can't command the eyes and ears of the crowd. To me, when you're the leader of a band, you have a responsibility to the rest of the band to take the energy they give you so you can take the attention of everyone in the crowd. The amps amplify the band. The band amplifies YOU.

I use the word "take" deliberately. I know a few musicians who whine their way into playing and/or singing lead, and have what Marc calls "negative stage presence." They ask for attention from the crowd. That is why they fail. You don't ask for attention, you TAKE it. You sing every note as if your life depends on it, because you have something to give them that they want to feel, and the band is amplifying your message to everyone to pay attention to you, now. Anything less than total commitment to getting all eyes and ears on you reflects a dereliction of duty to the band behind you who are giving you all that power to command the eyes and ears of the room. Rant ends.

I discovered another reason why I'm grateful to be married to someone whose company I enjoy. Marc's band is playing in a strip mall bar. People are hitting on each other here, which bothered me, because I realized, if they begin a relationship and get married and breed, what are they gonna tell their kids about how Mom and Dad met? "I was in a strip mall bar, standing up, holding a beer, and I noticed your mom standing up holding a beer, so I knew we had two things in common." I wonder how that would work as a pickup line. "I notice you standing up and holding a beer bottle. I like to stand up and hold beer bottles as well." You have to start somewhere.

As always, tell me what you think.

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Basil White

Read http://www.challengeday.org.

Found the central thesis:

"Is what I am about to say or do going to leave the people affected by it feeling safe, loved and celebrated?"

This reflects the "comfort the afflicted, afflict the comfortable" principle I use when I'm picking a victim for my comedy. Not all comedy requires a victim, but much of it does. At least with the above principle I can victimize the enemies of safety, love and celebration.

Tell me what you think of this principle.

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Basil White

( Call for manuscript reviews )

Thank God the NSA records our phone calls.

'Cos now we can get some questions answered.

Like who called American Idol, and which ones voted for Bo Bice, and where they live.

Because they hate America.

I call a Bo Bice Jihad. Death to the mullet-headed infidel.

I love Sacred Harp music, but my mom's husband says Sacred Harp music is what people sing in Purgatory for missing choir practice.

Ya know how The Gays invade DisneyWorld on one weekend to make it their own? Why don't we do that at Renaissance Festivals with robot costumes?

August 26th & 27th: Robot Weekend

Celebrate the summer with a visit to the Renaissance Festival. Robots admitted free. Enjoy robot-friendly shows, activities and events. Arrrghh matey - there be robo-pirates!

To celebrate our clockwork companions, King Optimus The Prime hath declared all jousters take part in a special competition to decide the greatest mechaknight in the realm. All contestants must peace-bond themselves.

basilwhite.com

When we get pizza, I go and pick it up. I don't like to have them deliver it, 'cos stoners drive really slow.

One time Aimee had 'em deliver it, and the delivery guy had bloodshot eyes, big ol' grin on his face, bent over, smellin' the rosebush. I think he baked the pizza on the way to my house. (Inhale; blow in pizza box). Aimee gives him the money, he keeps standin' there. "Thanks. Oh, right, see ya."

Aimee was mad. "Why do you buy pizza from stoners?" Look, I know that tipping a stoner funds illegal drugs and supports terrorism, but stoners make really good pizza. They take their time. They get at eye level with the pizza. They pat the cheese on it really gently with both hands.

Stoners are proud of their pizza, 'cos they get the munchies, then they make the munchies, which help other stoners, and perpetuate the stoner economy. They come to your house with a big smile. "I made this. I took raw ingredients and brought food into the universe for you. Can I have some?" Silly stoner. Get your own! My eyes are watering just from telling you that joke.

basilwhite.com

BasilWhite.com WeirdStupidHardScary for today is in the form of romantic haiku.

~

Knowing you is love.
I learn love by loving you.
There. I'm done. Spread 'em.

~

Passion's babbling brook
becomes a mighty river
When the balls are blue.

~

Morning woodpecker.
Early bird catches the worm.
Now I have to pee.

basilwhite.com

Went to the Golden Fleece StoryTelling Conference last Saturday. They have local meetings every month but I've never attended. Several of my colleagues suggested that I attend the conference and I rely on my colleagues to tell me what I should do.

I talked with a few speakers. A director of a documentary on storytelling overheard my conversation with a presenter. The director interviews me for his documentary. This is my first storytelling function and I'm talking on camera about the craft. Hear me whore.

Sunday my honeybunny and I had lunch with psu_jedi and caryabend. They brought their infant son Nathan whom I met for the first time. He stayed quiet the whole time. I hope psu_jedi and caryabend can keep that going for 22 years or so. Parenting's a bitch. Every day the baby stays alive is a victory. They shoudl put that on their answering machine. Hi, we can't come to the phone because we're busy keeping our baby alive. Leave a message and we'll call when he moves out.

psu_jedi and caryabend are my favorite fans. I woulda quit a long time ago if it hadn't been for their faith in me.

Sunday I went to the Writer's Center Instructor's Reading to hear my friend Nicole read from her book of poetry. The host told me a few readers were AWOL and asked me to read something, so I went to the office and printed Bush Addresses the Nation to Defend Firebombing of Smurfs. Nicole was the last booked reader on the bill. Her poetry is a rare combination of deep and fun, kinda like riding a rollercoaster with the designer. She finished and I high-fived her as we crossed on my way to the lectern.

The audience liked Bush Addresses the Nation to Defend Firebombing of Smurfs. Many of them pretended to be reporters and raised their hands and clamored to ask questions. In Scott McClellan style, I told them it wouldn't be appropriate to comment on an ongoing investigation.

basilwhite.com

I wrote new lyrics to "Top of the World" by The Carpenters.

I don't want
no one to know you're not the
spawn of the devil
Or a faithful servant of the antichrist

But that's what I like to say
to men who might take you away
It's my evil plan
I have to keep you mine.

Oh, sing it.

Weird: I screw up 'cos I keep worrying about screwing up. Or maybe not. I don't know. I can't remember which expectations I'm failing to meet. That's what family reunions are for. 'Cos I know I'm a disappointment, but I can't remember why. Oh, right, I'm not a doctor. Got it.

Stupid: Everyone else is out there working on their career, climbin' up the ladder. I label myself as a failure, saves me a lotta time. Less confrontational. If I fix what's wrong with me, I'm just gonna find something else to complain about. I've been married. I know how it works. "Why aren't you more than you are now?"

Hard: If I fix my mistakes, I'm just gonna have to get used to new mistakes. I'm havin' a lotta success with these mistakes. I've made peace with my inner dumbass. The more self-esteem you have, the less actual work you have to do.

Scary: The key to happiness is to keep the tv on all day and still feel good about yourself. I don't need to go to night school to feel like a failure. I can do all my screwing up from the couch. Don't be bullied by ambition. Stand up for your right to sleep all day.


basilwhite.com

I used to think old people were lazy, 'cos they don't get out as much. Now I know the older you get, the easier it is to identify something as a waste of time.

"Hey, let's go to the dance club." Are they giving away free money? No. Am I gonna get laid? Not likely. Well, then. I'm gonna stay here and sell grandma's valuables on eBay. Then I can buy sex. They deliver now.

"Don't you wanna get out of the house?" No. Dance clubs are for extroverts to go have a good time so their roommates can watch pornography. It's all part of the delicate balance of nature.

Lessons learned from the Eddie Brill workshop

Lessons learned from the Eddie Brill workshop. Eddie is David Letterman's warmup comic and pics all the comics for the Late Show with David Letterman. Eddie gets all the credit for anything wise below. I'll take the blame for anything foolish.

Basil needs to kill the self-deprecation, on stage and off.
Being honest, sincere and true will put a responsibility on what you say.
Writing exercise: record your act in front of a friend who listens as if you're having a conversation. Record your act again and let your friend interrupt you with who/what/how/when/where/why questions.
Do more open mics more.
Be the shining light and let people come to the light that is you.
The only likeability that counts in art is how much you like it.
The only approval that counts in art is how much you approve of it.
Work on your confidence by exploring meditation and/or spiritual work.
Basil doesn't hate standup comedy. What Basil hates is what the anxiety and failure of standup comedy is doing to Basil.
Give audiences the time to catch up to what you say.
Don't adjust yourself to the mic. Adjust the mic to you.
Explore your premises deeper for more riffs.
You're talented but sloppy. Be talented and tidy.
Share what it's like to be you.
Act from a place of serene, silent power.
When other people's judgments get you down, remember: Most people who judge you are incompetent. Auditions are opportunities for other people to prove their competence.
Reality TV is the opiate of cowards who safely enjoy other people fck up their lives. Get out there and take a chance and fck up your own life.
Hold yourself in high regard so you can hold other people in high regard.
Be succinct.
Laugh at anxiety. Laughter and anxiety come from the same place in the brain.
Listen to yourself talk.
Write.
Write some non-comedy material, maybe from an attempt to write as unfunny as possible about observations about life and what hits your emotions.
You have to be willing to get hurt to get love and laugh at your anxiety and fear and hurt.
Write the smartest material you can.
The only contest is the one in your head.
Destroy facades.
Hold hecklers in high regard. Keep saying that until you believe it. It may take a while.
When you're onstage and people are talking, slow your words and walk to them and bring the focus of the audience to them talking.

BasilWhite.com WeirdStupidHardScary for today. Feel free to add your own.

I watch cartoons. They're the smartest shows on television. Why? Because old people don't watch them. Old people keep television stupid. 'Cos they write letters. "That swimsuit on Survivor was too revealing. Law and Order confuses me." Here's the trick. If a nurse in an old folks' home would set the tv to the channel you're watching, change the channel. You'll never see Bea Arthur or Geraldo Rivera again. You'll be better off.

Stick to the Holy Trinity: horror movies, Bugs Bunny and Ultimate Fighting Championship. They will help you survive. Say you're in the woods. Your friend leaves the campfire to pee. You hear a scream. What do you do? You get in your car and drive away. You wanna be the survivor at the end of the movie.

Or say you're in the Outback, pursued by a hungry Tasmanian Devil. What do you do? You go in the trading post, buy a dress, and a mop. Put on the dress. PUT IT ON. Put the mop on your head. And seduce the Tasmanian Devil with your feminine charms. When he lies down to take your poon, use the snake punch move from Ultimate Fighting Championship and sweep out his throat. Or keep watchin' Andy Griffith. Maybe Aunt Bee'll come over and distract him with hot apple pie. We're all prayin' for ya.

Feel free to add your own WeirdStupidHardScary.

BasilWhite.com

Basil White's WeirdStupidHardScary for Today. Feel free to add your own.

Weird: I don't watch CNN or Fox News. I get my news from Comedy Central. And my comedy from the Christian Broadcasting Network. I don't know what's funnier, Pat Robertson selling his psychopathic senile delusional snake oil of intolerance and hate, masquerading as Christianity, or, that people believe it. I pray on that one. "Tell me, Lord. Tell me Pat Robertson is your idea of a sick joke, you cooked up on a late night bender with Gabriel and the other angels." "Hey, Gabriel, watch this. (mic) Pat, this is God. Toast is the devil's breakfast food. Say that on the air." Next day on CBN - "Brothers and sisters, I have removed the toaster from our Christian household. For I follow His voice."

Stupid: And Robert Tilton's even scarier. Pat and Robert are like competing wrestling federations, tryin' to out-freak each other. The World Christian Federation and World Championship Christianity. "Can you smell what the Rock of Ages is cookin'?"

Hard: I'm waitin' for Robert Tilton to get senile. He'll give Pat a run for his money. "Friends, the invisible spiders are crawlin' all over me. Fillin' every orifice in my body, with their unholy eggs of secular humanism. Unless we raise a million dollars, to send me to Mexico, where peyote farmers will anoint me with their precious oil of healing."

Scary: I'm watchin' this, thinkin', "Wow. God has great writers. Simpsons got nothin' on God." Divine producer of the tv show we call reality. "Tonight on God's Bloopers and Practical Jokes, Jimmy Swaggart." (God) "Do jumping jacks." (Jimmy doing jumping jacks) "I am the temple of the Lord." Must-see tv.


Feel free to add your own WeirdStupidHardScary.

basilwhite.com

Technology makes life convenient, but it takes little things away, too. Like the joy of shoplifting. Used to be, anything you could fit in your pocket was yours. If you could run fast enough. Now they have electromagnetic sensors on shampoo. You gotta break in through the ceiling, spray that aerosol can to find the laser beams. The grappling hook costs more than the shampoo.

People don't stop to consider the good side of shoplifting. If you're in sales, you know you got a good product if someone's willing to steal it. True story. South Central Los Angeles after the riot, everything's been stolen from the record store. Except the box set of Dan Fogelberg. What's the street value of Dan Fogelberg? Ghetto says: AAAA! The "Essential" Dan Fogelberg. Indeed.

I don't shoplift. I shopdrop. I got somethin' in my house I don't need, I leave it in a store for the people who shop there. All those price checks? That was me. But you gotta pick the right store. Don't take coathangers to Toys-R-Us. That sends a mixed message. Bring what the children want. Hustler. Think of the kids.

WeirdStupidHardScary for Today. Feel free to add your own.

Weird: I love Tivo. Now my life doesn't interfere with my addiction to television. Thank God. Otherwise I might have to read something.

Stupid: With Tivo, I can watch intelligent programs, like documentaries and public broadcasting. I don't, but knowing that I can makes me feel smarter.

Hard: Now that I can watch what I want when I want, I have to confront that I'm watching Thundercats by choice.

Scary: I can use Tivo to vote on what shows I like and don't like and Tivo tells me what other shows to watch: Ellen DeGeneres and Bonanza. I'm a lesbian cowboy. Who knew?

Feel free to add your own WeirdStupidHardScary.

basilwhite.com