basilwhite (basilwhite) wrote,
basilwhite WeirdStupidHardScary for today

Technology makes life convenient, but it takes little things away, too. Like the joy of shoplifting. Used to be, anything you could fit in your pocket was yours. If you could run fast enough. Now they have electromagnetic sensors on shampoo. You gotta break in through the ceiling, spray that aerosol can to find the laser beams. The grappling hook costs more than the shampoo.

People don't stop to consider the good side of shoplifting. If you're in sales, you know you got a good product if someone's willing to steal it. True story. South Central Los Angeles after the riot, everything's been stolen from the record store. Except the box set of Dan Fogelberg. What's the street value of Dan Fogelberg? Ghetto says: AAAA! The "Essential" Dan Fogelberg. Indeed.

I don't shoplift. I shopdrop. I got somethin' in my house I don't need, I leave it in a store for the people who shop there. All those price checks? That was me. But you gotta pick the right store. Don't take coathangers to Toys-R-Us. That sends a mixed message. Bring what the children want. Hustler. Think of the kids.
Tags: alternative comedy, comedy writing, online comedy

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