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Tue, Jun. 8th, 2004, 04:40 pm
When I lose my mind, this will be my comedy show monologue.


Hi. This is me saying hello, smiling politely.

I'm insane. I come to you as the ambassador from the planet of the freaks. My jokes are gifts from my home planet. I'll give them to you one at a time. I'll ake notes.

I'm weird, stupid and scary, but safe. I respect human life because my Mom told me human life has value. She lied about the Easter Bunny and Santa, but the human life thing I can accept.

People fascinate me. People go to shopping malls to express their individuality. They buy mass-produced clothes and objects designed to convince people that buying the ten millionth black t-shirt is a statement about who they are as a person.

I make lists of what I want, and if the mall doesn't have it, I blame the mall. If the mall doesn't have what I want, and I let the mall talk me into buying something I didn't want before I got there, I'm rewarding bad mall behavior. I can't be a part of that.

I'll buy the black t-shirt five years from now, when it's ironic. And a dollar. I just started wearing Hard Rock Cafe shirts. After 15 years, they're finally a joke. We know now that cafes don't rock. And they definitely don't rock hard.

Music companies make millions of copies of the same 75 minutes of music and program the music to make millions of people think the music speaks to them personally. People believe the music must be good because record companies pay to play the song on the radio. People buy it, and enjoy it, because they want to.

I hear a song I like, I find out who the band's influences are, and I go buy the band that influenced them. By the time a band becomes an influence, they're ironic, and a dollar. I just bought some CDs by Nirvana. I think those boys have a future.

People who pray to God believe that God hears prayer and that God can answer them back, and then drive to church to hear God's answer.

I ask God what he wants me to do, and then I listen. Then I can start working the plan right then without all the driving around. But then I don't get pancake breakfasts or any of the other perks.