September 16th, 2004

158IgnoreConsensusReality

Hurricane Deja Vu

Used to watch the Weather Channel ‘cos it’s the only channel that doesn’t show reruns all summer. I turn on the Weather Channel, expecting to see the weather. Instead, I got an episode of “Storm Stories.” Reruns of the weather. “Today’s weather is boring. But we’ve got some good tapes. Whoo! Death. Suffering. Devastation. Relive the magic.” I always wondered what happened to all those kids who ate lead paint. They’re field reporters for the Weather Channel. Check Toby out of the group home, give him a raincoat and a microphone, put him in the van with a fistful of Valium. “Drive in the direction all the sane people are driving away from.” “Hi, I’m Toby. I’m in the hurricane. It’s windy. You can tell ‘cos all the wind. Everyone else evacuated. I’m lonely. Why didn’t you love me, mom? Back to the studio.” Of course Florida is 48th in education. If they had any sense, they wouldn’t live in Florida. Every hurricane is Mother Nature sending a clue. Which Floridians choose not to accept. People touch a hot stove, they move away from the stove. Why don’t people apply the same logic to Florida? Maybe the weather map is too hard to understand. Just replace the H’s and L’s with frowny faces and pictures of the devil.
158IgnoreConsensusReality

(no subject)

You know you’re in Virginia in the summer when the electronic highway signs read, "We're sorry." I question the sincerity of a billboard apology. Hooters billboards promise bimbos and only sell chicken. I’m sick of the lies.
158IgnoreConsensusReality

(no subject)

People say caring for Alzheimer’s patients is hard. I think it’d be kinda fun. Guy wakes up. “I don’t know where I am.” “Oh, don’t feel bad. It’s your birthday. Here, have some cake.” Or, if the guy’s a jerk, you could go the other way. Every morning, “Oh, sorry, your birthday was yesterday. Your family was here, you slept through the whole thing. And you’re Hitler.” Hey, minimum wage, gotta make your own fun.
158IgnoreConsensusReality

(no subject)

I can use my mouth to get out of trouble with my girlfriend, because I know the magic of those three little words:

Cherry Ice Chapstick.

It's a good kind of cold.
158IgnoreConsensusReality

(no subject)

Every once in a while, we have a moment where our purpose in life is clear. I walked into a restaurant, guy’s chokin’. He’s purple. He’s been chokin’ for a while. I give him the Heimlich maneuver, half a sandwich popped out of his mouth, guy was okay. Then I thought, “That’s why I spend all day on the couch watchin’ Trapper John, M.D. So I’ll know what to do. “Stand back, people, I saw an actor do this once.”