October 25th, 2005


Shove your inspiring motivational story.

I don't like stories of people overcoming adversity, because they make me feel like an underachiever. I saw a guy in a wheelchair roll up to a step in front of a building, push outta the wheelchair, swing the wheelchair over the step, throw himself back into the wheelchair and roll on. That'll ruin your day.

I said, "Man, that disabled guy is strong." My friend said, "He's not disabled. He's handicapable." Now, I don't know what it's like to hafta use a wheelchair to get around, but if I did, and someone called me handicapable, I'd stab him in the throat. Just cut a curb into the sidewalk and keep your spin control.

Gimme a war I can feel.

When I think of laughter and good times, two topics come to mind: global warfare and organized religion. Real knee-slappers. Wars these days are about religion. Which is funny, because I always hoped if we went to war it would be over something I give a shit about, like porno, or the McRib Sandwich. I believe in God, but religion is way down the list of things I'd go to war over. Down there with Britney Spears and artificial sweetener. Oh, you laugh now, in 30 years we'll be pinnin' medals on soldiers for fightin' the Splenda wars. Yellow versus blue.

I miss the good old days. The Middle Ages. Every thirty years or so, the King of England would get bored and burn Paris to the ground. Oh, happy day. "Hey, general, fetch me King Louis' head on a stick. I'll stay here and play poker and try to invent the sandwich."

All the good time-wasters are dying out. Ethnic hatred, comic books, ballroom dancing. You can't even make prank phone calls anymore. They star-69 ya. So I do the next best thing. I write disturbing messages in the yellow pages in hotel rooms. Businessman checks into my hotel room, looks up "escort service", in big letters: "GOD IS WATCHING YOU." He avoids the clap, I have a hobby. Or take a hot shower and use your finger to write on the bathroom mirror. Next guy gets outta the shower, big letters - "I SAW WHAT YOU DID." You gotta make your own fun.