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August 3rd, 2006

09:54 am
BasilWhite.com: My wife, the warfighter

Men do not give women the respect they deserve. I believe this is because we men see women treat each other like dirt. Answer me this, feminism. Why should men be nice to women when women are mean to each other? Oh, you think you hide it from us, but we notice.

Men, you think women have stabbed you in the back? Most men don't know what backstabbing is. Next time you're at a bar, find a group of women and spy on their conversation. When men aren't around, the ladylike demeanor disappears and the gloves are off. "Karen's 20 minutes late. Bitch does this every time. So she can make her big entrance in her Prada shoes, makin' that alimony check work for her. No surprise she can't keep a man. Shocker! Oh, here she comes, Sshh! Hi, Karen! You look great! Love the shoes." And that's just a five on the scale of aggression. I didn't even use the C-word, which I've heard women drop like necklaces at Mardi Gras. "C U next Tuesday." Toss toss toss.

Of course women take an hour to get dressed. Women don't get dressed. Men get dressed. Women deploy for war. Wardrobe is arranged, makeup is distributed, chemical agents are strategically implemented and jewelry's put into service. They come downstairs, you don't recognize your little soldier. 'Cos she's in battle mode. When you compliment your lady's appearance, you're supporting the warfighter. In the car, she briefs you on the mission. "We're going in, making an appearance, and turning around. Don't ask about what happened to the sports car. That's classified." You're thinking, "Oh, my god, I'm going to dinner with Donald Rumsfeld." That's why Donald Rumsfeld is the man, 'cos he thinks like a woman.

Sometimes women go on solo mission. When my wife goes alone to a Sunday tea party, I wear a yellow ribbon. Until she returns home safe. While she's deployed, I take the opportunity to become more independent and learn some coping skills, like which machine uses which kind of soap. Women come home from the tea party changed. You gotta cope with that post-traumatic stress. Help her reestablish her place in the home. Rubbin' her feet, she's got that battle-hardened, thousand-mile stare. Doesn't look me in the eye. I let her talk about what happened at her own pace. "That bitch Karen talked about her Prada shoes for 30 minutes, then Susan dropped the bomb about her hot date with her Pilates coach." Let her decompress, just listen and be available. Your little trooper needs love and understanding. Give your woman what she needs. Support and logistics. It's the toughest job in the Army.

http://www.basilwhite.com - big comedy shows Aug 16, 18 & 19th - basilwhite.com

01:54 pm
Oklahoma: 12 miles and 30,000 years

I went twelve miles into Oklahoma once. We played a high school football team just across the border. The Bears. And they were. Ferocious, covered in hair, and no sign of mastering advanced tools or a common language. The whole village came out for the game, painted their bodies with with berries and clay. The snack hut sold pottery and spears. The guy offered me both his daughters for my cigarette lighter.

We win, 'cos our quarterback had the unfair advantage of using words and numbers. "Blue 42" is a lot clearer than grunt grunt snort grunt. And we figured out their plays, 'cos, Grunt snort grunt grunt, that's the reverse.

We get on the bus. The locals were angry and yelled at us. I think they were mad 'cos we had just done what they couldn't do: get on a bus to leave Oklahoma. We were taunting them outta the bus - see this? It's called a cell phone. I'm gonna use it to booty call your mom! Using language! A kid with a stick tried to steal the fire from the exhaust pipe.

We had to clean up the bus when we got home, 'cos the Oklahomans pelted the bus with handfuls of mud. Because that's what they had to throw. We got out just in time. I looked out the back window and they were gathering sticks, dung and dried grass. I was scared, but it was worth it. My half-breed children are brave and strong.

basilwhite.com - gigs and comedy MP3s etc.

04:39 pm
Tell salespeople it's your policy to speak to two of their happy customers

Many companies keep a "brag book" of complimentary letters of people volunteering to speak as customer references. I've learned to ask to speak to these references when salespeople speak to me or call me. They can have a policy, you can have a policy.


Tracy Geller wrote:
I've spent a lot of time at your Basil White website and I think your comedy
cd is perfect for our stores. We work hand in hand with the largest stores
in the country, plus .....

Tracy Geller


Basil White wrote:

Give me contact information for two of your clients you list on your website
so I can get the straight story on how your services worked out for them,
and I'll consider your offer based on my conversations with them.


Tracy wrote:

Dear Basil,

Thanks for writing back. As per your request, it is against our policy to
release, sell, or disseminate the information of registered members to the
general public. To read what some of our members are saying you can visit
the testimonial sections of our website. We'll be adding more when the site
is updated in the coming weeks. To give you an even better idea of what we
do this email should help...(19 paragraphs of ad copy)


No thanks. It's against my policy to enter into service contracts with
vendors who don't provide customer references.

There are several companies with track records who have happy customers who
are willing to share their contact information with prospective new
customers. In fact, that's how I picked an enterprise webhost.

I guess VendorPro doesn't trust its customers enough to let them talk to
each other.

BasilWhite.com - big shows coming up - BasilWhite.com

04:47 pm
Pros and Cons of Washington, DC summer heat.

Pros and Cons of Washington, DC summer heat.

Pros: The subway trains are full of women in camisoles and skirts reading the newspaper, which means they're sexy, they can read, and they have a job. Oh, Mama. Days like this make me wanna be a cult leader.

Cons: The heat's caused the train tracks to buckle, so the train has to move really slowly.

Wait, that's another Pro.