December 25th, 2009


Xmas 2009 Trip Report

2009/12/25/0940 EST: Thousands of feet in the air, somewhere between IAD and SAT. Watching clouds, reading the script to "The Ladykillers," rocking to After The Fire's "Der Kommissar." Sounds gooooooood.

1115 my son Bill calls me. He has the highest GPA of his life. He says he's applied the philosophy of how to rise above by gaugeing how hard everyone is working, and working just a little harder than everyone else. You don't have to be fast, just faster than the people eaten by the bear. The bear is mediocrity.

1134 am CST: Does all of San Antonio smell this bad, or just the Thrifty shuttle bus?

822pm at sis-in-law's parents. Two special needs people. A preteen with a diode implanted in his head, an autistic man giving backrubs to the ladies. Everyone but me seems to understand the autistic man's speech. He keeps talking to me, so I respond in improv dialogue as if I understand him as per Eddie Murphy in The Golden Child, such as "yeah, what are you gonna do," or "I told you she was crazy." I discard the second pink piña colada halfway through. 1.5 Christmas piña coladas and I am LIT.

~10pm at Melissa's friend Glenda's house playing Trivial Pursuit. Glenda slaps me repeatedly for helping other teams, and acts jealous because her dog seems to love me more. Dogs and infants can smell my unconditional love. They crawl all over me and drain my body heat, for I am a human Snuggie.

Sat dec 26 Mom and her husband arrive unannounced at my brother's house. I drive to meet my brother at the outlet store to buy boots, but the GPS can't find the address, so I take too long to get there and my brother gets bored and leaves to shop somewhere else. The outlet has no parking. I've never seen so many Mexican license plates.

~6pm My sister, mother, and Mom's husband Tony eat with me at a mexican joint in New Braunfels. There's a "don't drink when you're pregnant" poster in the men's room. That's silly. After we get women pregnant, men don't have to bother with getting them drunk anymore. As we said goodbye to Mom and Tony, Melissa's friends were waiting in the bar to have drinks and see Sherlock Holmes. Then I went to my brother's house to help my niece play with her doll.

Having fun with Melissa's friends reminded me of how I've failed to invest in friendships of my own. I spent time with friends until I started graduate school in 1993, then ComedySportz hired me and booked me every weekend, then I performed standup every weekend, then I worked on the Walter Reed scandal, then I started The Deathbillies, and that's life up to now.

Sun Dec 27 0853: halfway through my trip. The only food in my brother's refrigerator that I can eat is frozen sausage biscuits. Fortunately I never seem to tire of eating them. Tighe found a Joe Wise album we had as kids, and we play it in the truck on the way to Wal-Mart while my niece sings along in the back seat. We go home and I paint ceramic magnets with my niece and nephew. Good times.

We get back to my brother's house and I start multitasking: making dinner and baking shrinky dinks. I play sous chef for my little brother, making gravy and cheese sauce for his ribs and mixed veggies while he makes homemade beer with his friends in the garage. Later we play Just Dance for the Wii. Huge hit. I predict Just Dance will replace Dance Dance Revolution as the dominant dance game genre. Remember, you read it here first.

Mon dec 28 10:26a - In Austin at LBJ Museum. Strangely, no Cutty Sark.

There's an exhibit dedicated to the humor of LBJ with an audio-animatronic LBJ with audio recordings of his jokes cued to the figure in a cowboy hat leaning over a ranch fence.

Johnsonbot tells the joke of a kid who tells his Mom that he sees a lion, but Mom sees it's just the dog and tells him to pray to The Lord for forgiveness for lying. So the kid prays, then tells Mom that The Lord thought the dog was a lion too. Then the Johnsonbot connects the joke to rejecting the rhetoric that racism and poverty are just dogs, and that The Lord thinks they're lions. A great way to sell a belief is to use it as the truth that reveals the humor in a punchline.

Had lunch with Holly. My sister Melissa's new to Texas, and I think the two of them'll become fast friends. We talked about rebellion and how you can't rebel against anything, only for something.

Then we went to Mom's for homemade beef marinara, salads and homemade hummingbird cake followed by more uncling of my niece and nephew. I love this uncle gig.

I enjoyed my vacation to the real world, where friends go to movies and entertain one another at parties and meet each other for lunch and have drinks at Mexican restaurants in the middle of the week. I couldn't live like that, but I'm glad that other people can.

Normal life is fun in small doses, but I'm ready to return to the DC sausage factory with the rest of the sickos.