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Tue, Aug. 1st, 2006, 03:10 pm
Jim Henson's sick little game of torture

I'm thinkin' maybe I have all this hyperactive energy because I don't have the toys I had when I was a kid, like the Green Machine. The Green Machine was a plastic UFO you sat inside and had two big wheels you pumped with your arms. You could spin in a circle all you want with no fear of bumping your head on the linoleum floor in the kitchen. With the Green Machine and my Big Wheel I got a complete workout. If he's hitting his brother, put him in the Green Machine. If he's kicking his brother, get on the Big Wheel.

Eventually, I'd be too tired to obey the voice in my head of the Sugar Smacks Frog, his name was Dig' 'Em, and I did, 'cos every day I sat down to a heapin' bowl of sugar sweetened pellets of dried corn syrup and spend the morning in a cold sweat terrorizing the village, 'cos I'm ridin' the frog. Come home for lunch with pieces of squirrel ground wrapped around the fork of my Big Wheel, 'cos I was a kicker that day, blood under my fingernails, don't worry, Ma! It's not mine! What's for lunch? Kool-Aid and Neosporin. Thanks, Ma. Gotta go, there's a few lizards out there who haven't felt the wrath of my BB gun.

Then I come home bruised and tired, ready for Mr. Bubble and a Richard Scarry's Best Word Book Ever, with Lowly the Worm, and Huckle Cat, catch up with what's goin' on in Busytown. The butcher's a pig! Trippiest damn kids books in the 70's. The big Sesame Street book was The Monster at the end of this book, starring Grover. Lemme spoil it for ya.

In the book, Grover's reading the book with you, getting more terrified every time you turn the page 'cos you're getting closer to the monster. At the next to last page, Grover's begging you, screaming with tears in his eyes, begging you not to turn the page. At the last page, it is revealed that the monster is Grover himself. I still feel humiliation and shame, because I turned the page after Grover begged me not to. And I loved Grover, and the first three times I read the book, I didn't turn the last page, 'cos I was polite. Now I'm complicit in Grover's pain and suffering. Sesame Street turned me into a sadist. Thanks, Jim Henson! Now I'm a party to your sick little game of torture. I'm glad he's dead.
(Deleted comment)

Wed, Aug. 2nd, 2006 02:10 am (UTC)
basilwhite: Re: Sugar Smacks Frog

Dig 'Em had a real record with a chick in his band? Dig 'Em was the Rick James of cereal.

Tue, Aug. 1st, 2006 07:48 pm (UTC)
morbidimpishfae

That was really great. :)

and

OMG! I remember The Green Machine, though I don't remember it being called that, and for some reason I remember mine being a sort-of blue color.

Wed, Aug. 2nd, 2006 02:08 am (UTC)
basilwhite

It WASN'T a green machine! Ah-ha! It was a round disk with a seat in the middle and a handle inside each wheel that you'd crank with your hands to spin or drive the thing. What was that thing?

Wed, Aug. 2nd, 2006 03:42 am (UTC)
morbidimpishfae

Can't remember the name of it for the life of me, but I remember it!

Wed, Aug. 2nd, 2006 12:31 pm (UTC)
churchmommy68: Hey Basil, is this what you're talking about?

http://feelingretro.com/view_toy.cfm?id=90

Thu, Aug. 3rd, 2006 03:47 am (UTC)
basilwhite: Re: Hey Basil, is this what you're talking about?

Krazy Kar!



Krazy Kar!

You rock.

Thu, Aug. 3rd, 2006 02:15 pm (UTC)
churchmommy68: Re: Hey Basil, is this what you're talking about?

I am queen of the google search for useless trivia. ;)

And for the record I want an adult size one of those. That looks like the coolest thing EVER!