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Wed, Jul. 21st, 2004, 01:15 pm
My vacation

Just got back from visiting Memphis. The whole town looks like it's been hit with a ghetto bomb. I bet the Millington Naval Air Station could finish the job with one good air strike.

Went with my son to Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge, TN. God's country, if your god is a sadistic, resentful hillbilly. The streets are full of suffering tourists who buy crap under the guise of recreation. We played "Count the smiles on the tourists." I saw three smiles in four hours. I won.

Hillbillies are ugly enough without the frowns and bermuda shorts. All the homely people: where do they all come from? Where do they all belong? Dogpatch.

Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum was craptastic. $12.50 to see a mummy with a monkey torso and fish tail and put money into arcade machines. Believe it.