basilwhite (basilwhite) wrote,

Living life sincerely

When I joined a task force last June to fix Walter Reed hospital, I stopped writing and performing comedy.  Two months ago the task force no longer held my weekends and evenings hostage, so I started meeting every Monday night in the comedy club to write.  I haven't performed on stage yet.  I don't want to.

I thought I might ask a booker for a thirty-minute spot for a few months from now to use the pending gig as motivation to craft a show and practice.  But I don't want to craft a show or practice.  The work is not fun.

I realize my relationship with comedy is like my former creative relationships with science fiction writing or poetry, work I attempted to create even though I don't patronize those genres as a customer.  I had a few comedy albums as a kid, but I never wanted to be a comedian, and it shows.  Don't run a chicken shack if you don't eat chicken.

Something's changed.  It feels insincere to write, perform or teach comedy.  I don't enjoy it anymore, and I'm not a fan.  What I miss about comedy is the panic to create new jokes, which drove me to write something creative every day.   But I no longer need comedy to write creatively every day; I'm writing creatively in this moment as I write this.  All I have to do is click my ruby-colored Blackberry and I'm right back in the Kansas of creative purpose. 

So I started thinking about what creative work I consume, thinking I could create in the genre I consume and feel like less of a fraud.  The only creative work I consume every day is music.  I don't think I have an inborn talent for music, but I'd rather create bad music I enjoy listening to than create works in a genre I don't patronize.

I don't know where I go from here.  Maybe music lessons.  People keep asking me when I'm going to perform again and I haven't had the courage to tell them I am no longer willing to sell food I don't eat. 

What do you think?  Opinions/insights or GTFO.

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