Why don't we have Assholes Anonymous? I've written the commercial. Does life seem dark? Confining? Uncomfortable? Maybe you have your head up your ass. Call 1-800-ASSHOLE." Actually, 1-800-ASSHOLE is a woman who orders you to degrade yourself and charges you money for it - I mean, "p-h-o-n-e s-e-x." That's what it's called.
Ladies, I have a good attitude about menstruation, but when Aunt Flo comes to town, and you're in the bathroom takin' care of it, please, keep the door closed. I don't wanna see that. I don't even wanna see commercials about it. No woman has ever seen me apply powder. You're welcome.
I was in the Cub Scouts. Briefly. There were Cubs, Wolves, and Bears. I was a freak. I made my own merit badges. Comic book reading. Shoplifting. I made myself drop the shoplifting badge in a convenience store and go back and steal it. Scoutmaster caught me. “You can’t put your own badges on your uniform.” I said, “It’s not a uniform. It’s camouflage. I’m pretending to be normal. Fooled you. Gimme my badge.” Started my own Scout Troop. The Freak Scouts. Smoke dope and play guitar. Real survival skills.
It's hard to follow certain rules. The subway has seats you're supposed to give up for old people. I look up, I'm surrounded by people in late middle age. "Hmm. Pardon me. Are you old?" Old is so subjective. There's 80-year-olds who run marathons, and there's...well, me. You're as old as you feel, and I feel like sitting down.
Adults don't outgrow their childhood pastimes any more. Now adults go to their own adults-only video arcades. I guess if the high point of your childhood was playin' DONKEY KONG, what's gonna top that, except playin' Donkey Kong when you're drunk? Right now, people in their 30s are playing Donkey Kong with their childhood sweetheart they met 20 years ago playing Donkey Kong. And they will have the children who build the killer robots that DESTROY us all. Bow to your barrel-throwing monkey masters. "Mario can not save you now." I hunger."
Love Margaritas, Pina Coladas. Rum for the grownup side of you. Fruit flavor for the kid. Like kids' cereal for drunks. An hour later, the food coloring magically turns your urine blue, so there's that. I work hard. Why can't I have fun at breakfast?