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Mon, Jan. 3rd, 2005, 11:03 am

My entry at http://www.peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave, the automated Dave Barry column generator.


Recently in Memphis (motto: "I eat boogers."), residents reported an outbreak of zombies. Perhaps you think there are no zombies in Memphis. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: "You're dumb, ugly, and everyone screws your mother!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Bob, whose name can be rearranged to spell "BBO", although that is not my main point. "Bob", by the way, only has the letters "o" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Memphis Mayor Franklin (formally "Mayor Franklin" and informally "Skip"), zombies ranks as a major crisis just behind meat, fire and steak (insert your "Worcestershire sauce" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Memphis government employees:

FIRST MEMPHIS EMPLOYEE: "Guess what? I've taken a new job doing NOTHING!"

SECOND MEMPHIS EMPLOYEE: "Wow. Who hurt you?"

FIRST MEMPHIS EMPLOYEE: "Oh, your mom."

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Skip, and that is: change George Steinbrenner's gender.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's gender, although it might involve interviewing Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "going", and de grace, meaning "to college". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

  1. shoot the garbage at the sun
  2. Dran-O
But instead the Memphis city council (motto: "We'll do what governments do better than anyone else when you pry the cup of coffee out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the zombies) will don't eat themselves soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "kill yourself".

Speaking of which, "The Memphis Zombies Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.